[identity profile] lilybaggins.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] hobbit_holidays
HAPPY HALLOWEEN 2009, FOLKS!

Author: Lily Baggins
Title: The Hobbits Do Halloween
Rating: G
Characters: the Fellowship
Warnings: None
Summary: Nobody does Halloween like a hobbit!





****


“Pippin, what in Arda are you up to? Why is all this stuff strewn about? And where did you get all these old clothes?”

“Questions, questions! Well, Frodo, if we’re staying here in Minas Tirith, we need to start celebrating its holidays in a proper fashion. And tomorrow is Halloween, as they call it.”

“Yes, Gandalf said as much. He warned me to stay inside and watch out for trolls and monsters in the street, though I’m scared to know what that means.”

“It means that people here dress up in costume for Halloween, according to the guards of the Citadel. And that’s just what I’m making here for all of us---costumes.”

“I’m afraid now. Very afraid.”


****


“Mr. Frodo, can I ask why you’re wearing that … filmy … is that a dress, Mr. Frodo?”

“I think so, judging by the fact that I’m constantly stepping on it. Don’t you think it looks a little like the dress the Lady Galadriel wore? Only black and somewhat tattered.”

“But why---”

I’m humoring Pippin. It was his idea. You see, we’re dressing up to celebrate Halloween, and I think we’re throwing some sort of party, too. Apparently I’m to be Queen Beruthiel, a reviled queen who was driven out of Gondor along with her spying cats a long, long time ago.”

“But it’s a … it’s a girl costume!”

“Beggars can’t be choosers. And don’t laugh---you haven’t seen your costume yet.”


****


“All right, everybody---they’re unloading the cart out back! Hurry up with your dinner and hop to it!”

“Come, Gimli! Let us help the hobbits.”

“Er, Legolas---I wasn’t meaning you or Gimli. You two don’t have to help.”

“Nonsense, young hobbit! You need a strong dwarf to help you carry---what are we carrying?”

“Pumpkins. Many, many pumpkins. And caramel apples. And enough flour for pasties to feed a hoard. And taffy. And fudge. And rhubarb. And marshmallows. And peanut brittle. And sugar corn. And that sweet dark stuff they call ‘choklit.’ And spun candy. And mushrooms, of course.”

“And candied ginger for the stomach-aches we’re all going to have afterward, Mr. Pippin.”

“And what is all this for?”

“A Halloween party, Legolas. Just a small wee modest little get-together, that’s all.”


****


“Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!”

“Pip, will you stop singing that already? It doesn’t make sense, anyway. What’s with the feet smelling?”

“Just take it easy, Mer. It gives me something to do while I carve out these pumpkins. And the song is a threat, I suppose. ‘If you don’t give me something good to eat, you’ll have to smell my feet.’”

“Well, that’s silly, it is. Why would anyone mind the smell of our feet? We wash and brush them all the time. Men are so odd about such things.”

“Well, men’s feet aren’t as pleasant as ours, you know. Hobbit feet are attractive and well-cared for. But just try to stay in the room when Gandalf takes his boots off. Pheeeewwwwww!”

“I heard that, Peregrin Took.”

“Gandalf!”


****


“Carving pumpkins is for the birds. Give me another job, please!”

“Frodo, don’t complain so. At least your pumpkin doesn’t resemble Denethor like Pip’s over there.”

“You’ve no idea how challenging it is to carve a pumpkin with only nine fingers, Merry. And at least Pippin’s looks scary. Mine looks like Barliman Butterbur after a bout of hallucinogenic mushroom poisoning.”

“Do you mean after you’ve been poisoned or after Barliman has been poisoned?”

“Both.”


****


“Your Majesty? I am sorry to interrupt, but …”

“No matter, Gilfred. I am happy to put aside this boring paperwork. What is it you require?”

“It is a matter of the Periannath, Sire. The hobbits, as you call them.”

“Please go on.”

“You wished to be informed if any of the hobbits ever visited the Houses of Healing---”

“Are they well? What has happened? I must go at once---”

“Nay, Your Majesty. It was but a simple cut to the hand that required a small number of stitches. All is well now.”

“Ah … thank goodness for that. I will check on them later.”

“Do you require anything else, Your Majesty?”

“Gilfred… which hobbit was it who required stitches?”

“All of them, Sire.”


****


“All right, Sam, here are the first bowls of pumpkin innards. Do your worst.”

“Hmmm. I’m going to need a whole lot more nutmeg, Mr. Pippin.”

“You’ll have it. And don’t forget that we need to put your costume on later. I had to muck around the horse stables to find all the parts for it. Speaking of horses, where is Merry?”

“Right here.”

“Why, cousin, you look quite dashing as a Blue Wizard. Where’s your staff?”

“I was hoping Gandalf might lend me his …”

“I heard that, Meriadoc Brandybuck!”

“Gandalf!”


****


“Frodo, just hold still, will you? I can’t pin this crown on your head with you moving about so.”

“Ouch! Now I know how Aragorn feels, wearing that heavy thing on his head all day.”

“Well, Queen Beruthiel has to have a crown. And jewels. And what do you think about silk slippers? Queen Arwen has a pair she could lend---”

“Pippin, I am not going to wear silk slippers. I may be wearing a dress, but I draw the line at silk slippers. Why do I have to dress as a girl anyway?”

“You have the skin for it. There… now you’re all done. No, no---wait! I have a couple more accessories for you. Let me fetch them.”

“Pippin! Where did you get those?”

“Next door. Aren’t they adorable, Frodo? They’re just eight weeks old and recently weaned. They’ll round out your outfit perfectly.”

“I can’t carry them around all night! Granted, they’re cute, but this is verging on ridiculous.”

“Look at the bright green eyes on this little fellow and tell him that. Oh, he likes you, Frodo. Now take care of him. I have to go and get Sam into his Wild Man of the Woods costume. It’s going to take a while to glue on all that horsehair.”


****


“Who wants to go Trick-or-Treating with me before the party?”

“Not me, Pip. That’s for children such as you. And don’t stick your tongue out at me.”

“I have too much baking to do, Mr. Pippin.”

“I wouldn’t be caught dead in this costume out in public, cousin.”

“I am going to meet Aragorn at the Citadel, my friend.”

“I need to stay home and sharpen my axe.”

“I will go with you, Peregrin Took. I have a few tricks I would like to show off.”

“Gandalf???”


****


“All right. Let’s make sure the house is ready. Sam, the food?”

“All ready, Mr. Frodo.”

“You’re a wonder, Sam. Let’s see---Merry, are the pumpkin lanterns in place?”

“That they are.”

"The hay?"

"Yes."

"And NO spiderwebs. You know about my moratorium on fake silk spiderwebs."

"Yes, yes---I promise, Frodo. No spiderwebs."

“Did you manage to beg, borrow, or steal any other decorations for the front yard?”

“Sure, Frodo---I managed to borrow two large stone gargoyles from Aragorn’s garden in the Citadel. It took two husky guards to bring them here.”

“Merry! I was only joking about the stealing. What will Aragorn say? You must take those things back immediately!”

“How can I, Frodo? I certainly can’t carry them back by myself. And you most certainly can’t. So here they’ll stay. Besides, they’re useful for the children who stop by.”

“They are?”

“They’re anatomically correct. The little ones waiting for tricks and treats will have an easy time climbing up on them if they want to.”

“Anatomically correct … gargoyles? What sort of a show is Aragorn running up there? No, no---don’t tell me. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”


****


“Samwise, your cooking is a marvel!”

“Well, Mr. Frodo helped a lot, Mr. Gandalf. So did Mr. Merry.”

“We were glad to help, Sam. By the way… where is the tray of mushroom and beef pies?”

“It’s on the back table, Mr. Frodo. Right by the bowl of fire-drake punch.”

“I don’t see it.”

“It’s there.”

“I don’t find it. This is serious, now.”

“It’s there.”

“I’m starting to panic, Sam. Calm me down.”

“Now, look at that. It’s right here by the tray of sausage and cheese pasties.”

“Mmmm … delicious. I believe I’ll have two. Or four. Oh, and Sam---you didn’t spike the punch, did you?”

“Me, Mr. Frodo? Never.”

“I’ll take care of it, then.”


****


He did the mash... he did the goblin mash... it was a smash... it was a barrow smash... He did the mash... he did the goblin mash... the goblin mash--- Everybody join in!!!”

“Well, Frodo is having a good time. Who wants to bob for apples? Pippin, you have a big mouth---you go next.”

“Hush up, Merry, or I’ll tell Aragorn those gargoyles are from his garden.”

“You do, and I’ll hide the taffy and sweet-meats until you’re too old to enjoy them.”

“Hoy, that’s the doorbell again! Look, it’s Lady Calariel from next door! And her daughters. And her sons … and her grandsons … and more kittens…Sam, we’re going to need more food!”


****


“Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!”

“Oh, aren't you a darling child! My name is Frodo. What's yours?"

"NNNNNNNN!!!!!"

"All right, then. Here’s some candy and a frosted sugar tart for you, sweetheart! And what are you, a scary dragon?”

“No, you dummy, I’m a balrog! Grrrrrrrrr!!!! And I want more candy! More more more more MORE!"

“Oh, a balrog! How clever. Where are your wings?”

“Balrogs don’t have wings, you mutton-headed boobie!"

“Oh, but they do, sweetheart. I’ve seen a balrog, you see. They do have wings.”

“They don’t! They don’t, they don’t!!! And you haven’t seen one.”

“I have. And they do, too.”

“DONNNNNNN’TTTTTTTTTTT. And I’m going to tell the king you wouldn’t give me more CANDY!”

“Now, now, I know the king. He’s a friend of mine and I assure you, he’d agree that I gave you plenty of candy.”

“He’s not a friend of yours, you gooble-gobble-head!”

“Gandalf? Do you have a spell for turning an ungrateful little whelp into a nice frilled lizard?”


****


“Your Majesty?”

“Yes, Gilfred? I was just about to leave with the Queen for Gandalf’s house to visit with the hobbits.”

“Yes, Sire, that is what I am here to inform you about. There seems to be a mild … situation… going on there. I thought you might like to know so that you can double your guard.”

“What has happened?”

“A mob, Sire.”

“A mob?”

“A mob. Apparently the Per---hobbits---are giving out whole freshly baked pumpkin pies and entire rhubarb crumbles to every Trick-or-Treater who comes to the door. Children and adults are now lining up and fighting each other over them.”

“I see.”

“Word has it that treacle tarts are next, followed by honey-cakes. I believe we should go down there, Sire.”

“Follow me, Gilfred.”


****


“Aragorn! Queen Arwen! Come in, come in and join the party! I'm surprised you managed to get through the crowd!"

"It wasn't easy, Frodo. I had to fight off a few people who thought I was only dressed in costume as the king and was cutting in the Trick-or-Treat line."

"I've had to break up a couple of fights myself tonight between the children. I scared them by telling them I lost my finger while chopping bad tots into little pieces. They ran off."

"That would do it. I must say, you do a great credit to that gown, Frodo.”

“Don’t I know it, Aragorn.”

“The hobbit feet peeking out from the bottom make it particularly convincing.”

“Hobbit feet are the best accessories for the finely bred. Speaking of---here, please hold a kitten. Watch it, his claws are sharp. Arwen, would you mind holding a kitten as well? I seem to have them crawling all over.”

“Of course.”

“Now, what would you like to eat? I shall serve you. We have all manner of foods available, including cottage pie and pumpkin pie and all sorts of sweets. But mind Sam doesn’t get a strand of horsehair in it!”


****


“Well, that’s the last of the Trick or Treaters! Now how about a song? I was drunk last night, dear Mummy… I was drunk the night before… but if you forgive me Mummy…I'll never get drunk anymore.’ Hoy, what’s this? Who’s got me? A zombie!”

“Not a zombie, Frodo. Just your old friend Strider.”

“Why, Aragorn! Welcome to our wee *hiccup* party!”

“I’ve been here for a while, Frodo, remember? I think you are a bit tipsy, perhaps?”

“Just a bit, maybe. I probably need another mushroom and beef pie to work it off. Uh-oh… I don’t see the tray of them.”

“Hmmm… there’s the empty tray, Frodo. Just crumbs, I fear.”

“Pippin!”


****


“I need candied ginger. My belly is killing me.”

“My feet are aching something fierce from trying not to trip over this gown all night. I could sleep for a week.”

“I’d sooner die than look at one more bowl of pastry dough.”

“I simply can’t move. I’m worn out and my bad arm is numb from holding pies.”

“I need a hot bath and bed.”

“I need an army to clean that kitchen in there.”

“I need a great eagle to fly all the trash outside away.”

“I still need candied ginger for my aching stomach.”


****


“Well, they have all had a hot bath and are now in bed and sleeping like the dead. Arwen is clearing the dishes.”

“It has been a long day for them, Aragorn.”

“That it has, Gandalf. But they enjoyed it.”

“As did we all, as did we all.”

“Mmmmm.”

“They are sound asleep, you say, Aragorn?”

“Sleeping like babies.”

“Good, good. Did you manage to get what we need, then?”

“Yes, indeed, Gandalf. I was able to get a number of bones from the butcher’s shop, including an animal skull. When put upon a pole, it should frighten them terribly.

“Excellent.”

“You must create a suitable glow of light with your staff.”

“That is easy enough, Aragorn.”

“Gimli will rattle the bones while Legolas makes wailing noises. And Arwen has some ruby earrings that will light up very nicely in the eye sockets of the skull.”

“Perfect. Our hobbits would be sorely disappointed if we did not frighten them out of their wits this Halloween night.”

“I agree, Gandalf. They will be murderously angry when they realize it is only us four miscreants who disturb their slumber, but it really is for their own good.”

“And more than that, Aragorn---it will be fun."

“More fun than words can say, old friend. More fun than words can say.”


THE END

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
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