Birthdays coming up!
Sep. 18th, 2007 11:58 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
lilybaggins.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
hobbit_holidaysIn going back through my older archives, it seems I did a lot of picspams for the Bagginses' birthdays, and not much writing of stories. Nevertheless, this is one I wrote back in 2006, and I'm reposting it here.
Birthday Bargains
Author: Lily Baggins
Slash, Frodo/Aragorn
Rated R. Brief mention of MPREG.
************
Dearest Aragorn,
As you no doubt (had better be) are aware, today is my birthday. And of course, you’ve been around us hobbits long enough to know that on this special day, it’s our tradition to give mathoms to others.
But what to get the man who has everything? You already have a kingdom . . . stables full of horses . . . beautiful rooms to live in . . . wardrobes full of robes and tunics and soft leather boots (which I will never understand) . . . pantries and larders stuffed with provender (which I completely understand). . . . Really, the only thing it seems you lack is a flock of concubines (don’t get any ideas), a pod of lithe young slaves from Harad (I hear they carry diseases), or a goggle of hand-maidens willing to bear your children (not for their want of trying, I fear).
Please do not get your hopes up—for obvious reasons, this envelope does not contain any of the above. However, given the fact that I like to think of myself as a generous, fun-loving hobbit who might occasionally be considered somewhat attractive, I’ve sent you the next best thing.
Me, Frodo Baggins, at your beck and call. Please see the “coupons” enclosed for more information.
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE GENUINE HOME-COOKED HOBBIT FEAST ***
You, King Elessar Telcontar of the Noble Visage, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to a generous meal of hobbity dishes “home-cooked” by Frodo Baggins himself. Special orders will be respected; however, the meal will most certainly include mushrooms in some form or fashion, chicken, gravies, taters, other fried items, a cream pie, a frosted cake (Frodo’s special recipe handed down from his old “Aunt” Rhododendron), and some Old Toby and strong ale to round it out. Absolutely no venison, boar, glazed fish, geese, marzipan, sugared fruit, flat breads, bull testicles, that-awful-purplish root-thing, or lembas allowed. And do not come with concerns about your waistline! We hobbits like a little meat on a man. We also like a lot of meat on a man, in the right places.
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE SENSUAL SUDSY SCRUBBING ***
You, Aragorn, son of Arathorn II, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to a proper hobbit scrubbing while in the bath. That is, the “handy-with-his-hands” Frodo Baggins will wash your hair, your back, your arms, your chest, and all the *rest* of your body very conscientiously using only the finest well-lathering, manly-scented soaps. He will give extra-special attention to those parts that need it most. He will go slowly, missing not an inch of skin. And, he shall supply soft towels and will personally dry your every nook and cranny by hand. Or by mouth, if you wish it. If you are really, really nice, he might even get naked and join you in the water, as well. But only if you behave. Or not.
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE FEAST OF THE FLESH ***
You, Possessor of the Burning Rod of Love, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to one rousing good time playing “hide the sausage” and “butter the corn” with none other than the lusty Frodo Baggins. He will acquiesce and accede to your wildest dreams and passions. Whips and chains? Acceptable. Oils and creams? Perfectly fine. He will call forth techniques passed down from old Gormadoc “Deep-delver” Brandybuck, so named for a reason. He will dance the Dance of the Seven Veils, if you so choose. Or perhaps a lap dance would be inspiring? Maybe the Springle-ring wearing only bells? Or feel free to indulge a fantasy, if you like. “Bree-hobbit-in-distress and rugged-ranger-to-the-rescue” scenarios? Absolutely. “Catch-me-on-Caradhras and have your way with me”? A fine idea. Anything goes . . . as long as it does not involve dwarf genitals.
______________________________________________________________________
***REDEEMABLE FOR ONE VISIT TO THE SEEDIEST PUB IN GONDOR***
You, Strider, Ranger of the North, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to one visit to the skankiest, dirtiest, most disreputable pub in the entire country of Gondor with the loyal Frodo Baggins as your esteemed drinking buddy. While there, you shall imbibe as much cheap ale as you like and smoke countless pipefuls of Old Toby (imported and provided by Frodo). You may even choose to partake of a hearty beef stew with chunks of fat floating in it, served by a wench with a heaving bosom (look, but no touching). You are even allowed to get stinking drunk, for Frodo shall see to it that you get home safely and will tuck you in bed. Just as long as you do not wake up complaining about your headache or wanting Frodo’s personal attentions while your breath smells like day-old horse pee.
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE SIX-HOUR PERIOD OF SNUGGLING***
You, Elfstone, So Called for the Green Gem You Bear, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to one six-hour stretch of snuggling with the warm, lithe body of Frodo Baggins. Just snuggling, without the pressure of having to do more, unless both involved parties desire it. You may request a snuggle in the afternoon, to escape the stress of meetings and councils . . . you may request a snuggle at night upon the roof, to watch the stars while wrapped in cozy blankets . . . you may request a snuggle in the comfort of your own bed on a lazy morning . . . you may even request a snuggle up on snow-capped Mt. Mindolluin, if that is your desire. Please indicate your preferred mode of attire for Frodo at the time you request the snuggling: full dress, hobbity breeches and shirt, nightshirt, silk robe, underdrawers, a flimsy sheet, or naked as the day he was born. Frodo can refuse you nothing (unless it involves anything having to do with tentacles, long beards, those strange high-heeled shoes that women wear, or pig snouts).
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE SPECIAL HOBBIT MASSAGE ***
You, Estel Elrondion of Rivendell, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to the most sensuous, methodical full-body massage you have ever even thought about receiving. Frodo Baggins might have hands smaller than yours, and he may be missing a finger, but it’s what he can DO with those remaining nine digits and a bottle of sweet oil that shall amaze you. He presses, he grabs, he lifts, he chops, he beats, he taps, he does it all. He will even walk on your back—a very special hobbity talent passed down from generation to generation and stolen from the Proudfoot family. You will be rosier (and definitely randier) than the day you came into this world. Nudity is a must, however—leave any human modesty at the door. Frodo has seen it all anyway, and he promises he will not laugh at your inability to control yourself when he begins his Special Sandheaver Screaming Stroke.
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE SLAVE FOR THE DAY ***
You, Wingfoot, so called by Eomer King, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to appoint the hard-working Frodo Baggins as your groveling, sniveling, prostrate-on-the-floor-before you slave, for a full twenty-four hour period. Oh yes, Frodo is aware that you have servants galore, but feels you might enjoy ordering HIM around, in particular. He will do anything you ask, no matter how ludicrous or naughty or flashy or skin-baring. He shall serve you breakfast in bed if you wish it. He shall trail three steps behind you at all times while humming drinking songs. He will rub your temples and feed you exotic fruits as you lie upon a bed of furs. You may be as stern and commanding as you wish with Frodo on this day (or any day, really) without fear of reprisal or hobbit sass. He will even don a loincloth if you wish and wear nothing else but that and golden arm bracelets. Command him and make him beg for mercy.
_____________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE BEGETTING OF AN HEIR ***
You, Thorongil, the Eagle of the Star and Quite the Stud, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to engage in nocturnal (or otherwise) activities with Frodo Baggins that might possibly result in a much smaller Frodo-and-Aragorn replica arriving in a matter of months. No hand-maidens here, to be sure. Just one hobbit with very suitable child-bearing hips well-hidden underneath his jacket and breeches. Perhaps the child that results will have curly hair or even hairy feet. It could also sprout facial hair, but hopefully will not be born with such! (Of course, we do not want it sprouting facial hair if it is female—Frodo would partner up with Gimli if he desired that). There is one caveat: Should such a spark of life come to exist within Frodo’s now-very-sexy flat belly, you will be expected to fulfill Frodo’s food cravings, provide daily foot rubs, engage in sexual activities when hormones turn him into an insatiable raging beast, and perform other equally distasteful chores. Will you be able to manage?
______________________________________________________________________
***REDEEMABLE FOR ONE 72-HOUR PERIOD OF “ROUGHING IT”***
You, Frodo’s Scruffy Unwashed Sexy Man, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to a three-day trip in the wild with Frodo Baggins as your trusted companion. Frodo is aware that you occasionally long to escape the confines of the city and take a respite in the untamed lands of the North. You are aware that while being a hobbit and therefore one with the earth, Frodo nevertheless infinitely prefers his comfortable featherbed, his marble bathtub with the pumped-in hot water, savory meals, and his library of leather-bound books. Call it Bilbo’s influence, if you will. In fact, Frodo got enough of “roughing it” during the last year of the Third Age to last ten lifetimes. However, out of pure devotion, he shall sacrifice and spend three days with you in the place of your choosing, sleeping on scratchy bedrolls and fending off predators. But please, wear your old ranger clothing with the tight leggings. And bring honey cakes and lubrication.
_____________________________________________________________________
***EXTRA SPECIAL COUPON REDEEMABLE FOR LIFE***
You, Intimate Partner to One Lucky Hobbit, are hereby entitled, at all times day and night, to receive Frodo Baggins’s undying love and esteem for the remainder of your years in Middle-earth. He shall serve you in any way he can and will look for the same in return. Together, both of you will meet the challenges of life, with all of its ups and downs, its positives, and its negatives. And with this partnership goes deep friendship, trust, loyalty, honesty, respect, and adoration.
And a whole lot of mind-blowing sex.
Much love,
Your devoted Frodo
Birthday Bargains
Author: Lily Baggins
Slash, Frodo/Aragorn
Rated R. Brief mention of MPREG.
************
Dearest Aragorn,
As you no doubt (had better be) are aware, today is my birthday. And of course, you’ve been around us hobbits long enough to know that on this special day, it’s our tradition to give mathoms to others.
But what to get the man who has everything? You already have a kingdom . . . stables full of horses . . . beautiful rooms to live in . . . wardrobes full of robes and tunics and soft leather boots (which I will never understand) . . . pantries and larders stuffed with provender (which I completely understand). . . . Really, the only thing it seems you lack is a flock of concubines (don’t get any ideas), a pod of lithe young slaves from Harad (I hear they carry diseases), or a goggle of hand-maidens willing to bear your children (not for their want of trying, I fear).
Please do not get your hopes up—for obvious reasons, this envelope does not contain any of the above. However, given the fact that I like to think of myself as a generous, fun-loving hobbit who might occasionally be considered somewhat attractive, I’ve sent you the next best thing.
Me, Frodo Baggins, at your beck and call. Please see the “coupons” enclosed for more information.
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE GENUINE HOME-COOKED HOBBIT FEAST ***
You, King Elessar Telcontar of the Noble Visage, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to a generous meal of hobbity dishes “home-cooked” by Frodo Baggins himself. Special orders will be respected; however, the meal will most certainly include mushrooms in some form or fashion, chicken, gravies, taters, other fried items, a cream pie, a frosted cake (Frodo’s special recipe handed down from his old “Aunt” Rhododendron), and some Old Toby and strong ale to round it out. Absolutely no venison, boar, glazed fish, geese, marzipan, sugared fruit, flat breads, bull testicles, that-awful-purplish root-thing, or lembas allowed. And do not come with concerns about your waistline! We hobbits like a little meat on a man. We also like a lot of meat on a man, in the right places.
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE SENSUAL SUDSY SCRUBBING ***
You, Aragorn, son of Arathorn II, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to a proper hobbit scrubbing while in the bath. That is, the “handy-with-his-hands” Frodo Baggins will wash your hair, your back, your arms, your chest, and all the *rest* of your body very conscientiously using only the finest well-lathering, manly-scented soaps. He will give extra-special attention to those parts that need it most. He will go slowly, missing not an inch of skin. And, he shall supply soft towels and will personally dry your every nook and cranny by hand. Or by mouth, if you wish it. If you are really, really nice, he might even get naked and join you in the water, as well. But only if you behave. Or not.
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE FEAST OF THE FLESH ***
You, Possessor of the Burning Rod of Love, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to one rousing good time playing “hide the sausage” and “butter the corn” with none other than the lusty Frodo Baggins. He will acquiesce and accede to your wildest dreams and passions. Whips and chains? Acceptable. Oils and creams? Perfectly fine. He will call forth techniques passed down from old Gormadoc “Deep-delver” Brandybuck, so named for a reason. He will dance the Dance of the Seven Veils, if you so choose. Or perhaps a lap dance would be inspiring? Maybe the Springle-ring wearing only bells? Or feel free to indulge a fantasy, if you like. “Bree-hobbit-in-distress and rugged-ranger-to-the-rescue” scenarios? Absolutely. “Catch-me-on-Caradhras and have your way with me”? A fine idea. Anything goes . . . as long as it does not involve dwarf genitals.
______________________________________________________________________
***REDEEMABLE FOR ONE VISIT TO THE SEEDIEST PUB IN GONDOR***
You, Strider, Ranger of the North, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to one visit to the skankiest, dirtiest, most disreputable pub in the entire country of Gondor with the loyal Frodo Baggins as your esteemed drinking buddy. While there, you shall imbibe as much cheap ale as you like and smoke countless pipefuls of Old Toby (imported and provided by Frodo). You may even choose to partake of a hearty beef stew with chunks of fat floating in it, served by a wench with a heaving bosom (look, but no touching). You are even allowed to get stinking drunk, for Frodo shall see to it that you get home safely and will tuck you in bed. Just as long as you do not wake up complaining about your headache or wanting Frodo’s personal attentions while your breath smells like day-old horse pee.
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE SIX-HOUR PERIOD OF SNUGGLING***
You, Elfstone, So Called for the Green Gem You Bear, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to one six-hour stretch of snuggling with the warm, lithe body of Frodo Baggins. Just snuggling, without the pressure of having to do more, unless both involved parties desire it. You may request a snuggle in the afternoon, to escape the stress of meetings and councils . . . you may request a snuggle at night upon the roof, to watch the stars while wrapped in cozy blankets . . . you may request a snuggle in the comfort of your own bed on a lazy morning . . . you may even request a snuggle up on snow-capped Mt. Mindolluin, if that is your desire. Please indicate your preferred mode of attire for Frodo at the time you request the snuggling: full dress, hobbity breeches and shirt, nightshirt, silk robe, underdrawers, a flimsy sheet, or naked as the day he was born. Frodo can refuse you nothing (unless it involves anything having to do with tentacles, long beards, those strange high-heeled shoes that women wear, or pig snouts).
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE SPECIAL HOBBIT MASSAGE ***
You, Estel Elrondion of Rivendell, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to the most sensuous, methodical full-body massage you have ever even thought about receiving. Frodo Baggins might have hands smaller than yours, and he may be missing a finger, but it’s what he can DO with those remaining nine digits and a bottle of sweet oil that shall amaze you. He presses, he grabs, he lifts, he chops, he beats, he taps, he does it all. He will even walk on your back—a very special hobbity talent passed down from generation to generation and stolen from the Proudfoot family. You will be rosier (and definitely randier) than the day you came into this world. Nudity is a must, however—leave any human modesty at the door. Frodo has seen it all anyway, and he promises he will not laugh at your inability to control yourself when he begins his Special Sandheaver Screaming Stroke.
______________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE SLAVE FOR THE DAY ***
You, Wingfoot, so called by Eomer King, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to appoint the hard-working Frodo Baggins as your groveling, sniveling, prostrate-on-the-floor-before you slave, for a full twenty-four hour period. Oh yes, Frodo is aware that you have servants galore, but feels you might enjoy ordering HIM around, in particular. He will do anything you ask, no matter how ludicrous or naughty or flashy or skin-baring. He shall serve you breakfast in bed if you wish it. He shall trail three steps behind you at all times while humming drinking songs. He will rub your temples and feed you exotic fruits as you lie upon a bed of furs. You may be as stern and commanding as you wish with Frodo on this day (or any day, really) without fear of reprisal or hobbit sass. He will even don a loincloth if you wish and wear nothing else but that and golden arm bracelets. Command him and make him beg for mercy.
_____________________________________________________________________
*** REDEEMABLE FOR ONE BEGETTING OF AN HEIR ***
You, Thorongil, the Eagle of the Star and Quite the Stud, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to engage in nocturnal (or otherwise) activities with Frodo Baggins that might possibly result in a much smaller Frodo-and-Aragorn replica arriving in a matter of months. No hand-maidens here, to be sure. Just one hobbit with very suitable child-bearing hips well-hidden underneath his jacket and breeches. Perhaps the child that results will have curly hair or even hairy feet. It could also sprout facial hair, but hopefully will not be born with such! (Of course, we do not want it sprouting facial hair if it is female—Frodo would partner up with Gimli if he desired that). There is one caveat: Should such a spark of life come to exist within Frodo’s now-very-sexy flat belly, you will be expected to fulfill Frodo’s food cravings, provide daily foot rubs, engage in sexual activities when hormones turn him into an insatiable raging beast, and perform other equally distasteful chores. Will you be able to manage?
______________________________________________________________________
***REDEEMABLE FOR ONE 72-HOUR PERIOD OF “ROUGHING IT”***
You, Frodo’s Scruffy Unwashed Sexy Man, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to a three-day trip in the wild with Frodo Baggins as your trusted companion. Frodo is aware that you occasionally long to escape the confines of the city and take a respite in the untamed lands of the North. You are aware that while being a hobbit and therefore one with the earth, Frodo nevertheless infinitely prefers his comfortable featherbed, his marble bathtub with the pumped-in hot water, savory meals, and his library of leather-bound books. Call it Bilbo’s influence, if you will. In fact, Frodo got enough of “roughing it” during the last year of the Third Age to last ten lifetimes. However, out of pure devotion, he shall sacrifice and spend three days with you in the place of your choosing, sleeping on scratchy bedrolls and fending off predators. But please, wear your old ranger clothing with the tight leggings. And bring honey cakes and lubrication.
_____________________________________________________________________
***EXTRA SPECIAL COUPON REDEEMABLE FOR LIFE***
You, Intimate Partner to One Lucky Hobbit, are hereby entitled, at all times day and night, to receive Frodo Baggins’s undying love and esteem for the remainder of your years in Middle-earth. He shall serve you in any way he can and will look for the same in return. Together, both of you will meet the challenges of life, with all of its ups and downs, its positives, and its negatives. And with this partnership goes deep friendship, trust, loyalty, honesty, respect, and adoration.
And a whole lot of mind-blowing sex.
Much love,
Your devoted Frodo
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no subject
Date: 2007-09-19 11:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-21 04:32 am (UTC)Thank you for re-reading this! I just felt like posting... don't know whether I'll manage to come up with anything on the actual b-day or not, given that I'll be at my brother's painting. So, I wanted to do something, at least. I do love this community you've set up.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-19 11:48 am (UTC)I want Frodo to give ME some birthday mathoms!!
no subject
Date: 2007-09-21 04:31 am (UTC)And you know if I could arrange for Frodo to accommodate you, I most certainly would. You'd be the first up. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-19 01:36 pm (UTC)this was awesome! I got alot of great chuckles.
:D
no subject
Date: 2007-09-21 04:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-19 03:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-21 04:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 12:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-21 04:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-22 04:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-19 03:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-05 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-03 04:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-03 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-05 01:03 am (UTC)You are so funny. :) I would love to moot with ya'll someday out of town. It would be great. I just can't leave my brother, though, to do everything alone even with a nurse.you never know. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2007-11-15 04:57 pm (UTC)Someday we will be able to travel together.